Revenge is so sweet

Yes revenge…that is just what I need. I have been played, used, chewed up and spat out. I can’t live with that comfortably, and so last night I logged on to the dating site, made a fake profile and send the dear sweet MM a wink. This morning to my delight he has sent “xxxxxx” a message!!!! I am so thrilled. The profile I made out had all his preferences on it…she even says she is married. He has fallen into my trap like a goodun, just like I fell into his.He “really wants to get to know her” so “she” has sent him a messsage back. The message asks if he has met anyone off the site yet and things about his wife….things that I know, but I want to see how many lies he is going to tell. In addition to this I have set up another account xxxxx and she is recently seperated and looking for fun. He will think christmas has come early. Oh MM, you like to play games…….lets see if you like to play mine!!

Games

I haven’t ruled out a number of things yet, such as sending his wife a link to the dating site he is on. I set up a new account tonight so that I could see if he is still on it, and guess what??? Oh yes, you bet he is there….but maybe his liason with me has taught him something. All of the lies on his profile are gone, saying he was single etc etc and this is what it says now

Personal Profile:

I’d describe myself as an intelligent, dry, laid back man. I look after myself and still have my own teeth! Hair’s gone a bit wayward though, but that might be a plus as it was ginger after all! I know what I like and want and am not getting my needs satisfied at home any more. She’s done the dirty in the past, and though I’m not bitter about it I think that it’s my turn to play. If you’re looking for a no strings regular partner to meet when we’re both available then I’m your man. Sexually confident and competent, why not get in touch and see where it leads?

Well now there’s a surprise. He wrote this on 27th August, the day I went on holiday and the day before the loving pictures of him and his wife at the lavish wedding were taken. He really doesn’t give me a single thought. I feel sick and so so used. All of those lies about our “connection”were to get me ito bed,  and saying that he was going to work it out with his wife was just utter bullshit. He must have got bored with me….well lets face it I certainly did live out a lot of his fantasies for him. I haven’t written about all of this yet but I will as the story unfolds.

It would be great if I could move on from this but I feel so wronged. I don’t think I can move on while I am lying on the garbage heap where he tossed me. I need to fight back.

                                                                                

Manipulation

I suppose I’d better get on with the story. I keep avoiding it because I don’t want to relive how stupid I was. Now that the fog has lifted I know I am going to be so dissapointed in myself. I thought I was strong-I am strong, but obviously not strong enough to have conqured this skilled manipualtor.

So when I last wrote about the story the MM had sent me an email, apologising for lying to me about being married, how he never meant to hurt me and how he couldn’t let this “connection” go. I replied politely that it was a shame that we had a connection but couldn’t do anything about it because he was married and I had too much self respect to be second best. He said he respected that, and that one of the things he liked about me was my high level of strength and self respect. That was it…..and I was fine with that-unfortunate yes, but as I thought, oh well, another one bites the dust. I still had my strength and self respect then you see. Two days later I was at a bit of a low ebb. It was a Saturday night and all of my friends and family were either on holiday, working away or busy with their own lives and I found myself sitting in the house alone. I hadn’t been alone on a saturday night for years!!! It was as though he had a radar or something because my phone beeped with a text. When I saw it was from him I was so shocked….as far as I was concerned I would never hear from him again.

“I really need to talk to you, can I phone you” (well there was the temptation)

“There is nothing to say though is there” I replied

“Please, just let me talk to you”

Well lets face it, I might be strong, but I’m not that strong. I was alone and down, and the guy who I had really developed feelings for wanted to talk to me. I told him to wait until my children were asleep and then text him that it was ok to ring. He was expecting me to be all guns blazing, angry with him, giving him shit….but I caught him off guard, and was very gentle with my voice, but telling him how let down I was and that I couldn’t believe he could do that to me. He told me he was taken aback by my response and that it was making him feel bad. I told him that there was NO WAY I would consider seeing him again.

He then went on to tell me that he was trapped in his marriage and that he really wished he wasn’t married. His wife had had an affair, and he was just waiting for his mortgage deal to end, there was nothing between them anymore. I was like a breath of fresh air to him, we had this connection, we had so much in common, he felt so guilty lying to me. I asked him if he felt guilty towards his wife when he had sex with me. “No….I felt so terrible for you” was his response. We talked and talked, and he was practically begging to se me again “I want you to know that I am being sincere” (HA) I told him no, I couldn’t and that I would only end up getting hurt, we needed to say goodbye. This conversation went on for about an hour, with me telling him to go and him saying he couldn’t let me go. This was so hard for me as I wanted him badly, but at this time it was a no brainer for me- I simply couldn’t get involved with a married man. I said goodbye finally (and this was hard, but I meant it) and ended the call. I went to get myself a whisky, I needed it after being so final and so strong. I felt good about myself. I wanted him, but I couldn’t have him and that was that. I sat down to watch some  T.V. My phone tinkled with a text. My heart sank…and leapt at the same time. It was game on.

Happy Anniversary.

Today is my wedding anniversary. I don’t know if I can call it that as we divorced nearly 2 years ago, but I suppose it is still the anniversary of the day that I got married and promised to love and cherish someone for the rest of my life. We managed 10 years in the end. I don’t think anyone goes into marriage thinking for a minute that it won’t last a lifetime but faithful lifetime love is very hard to come by. I suppose I am very cynical about marriage these days. I mean, how can you possibly promise to love someone and be faithful for ever. How on earth do you know how you will feel in 10 years time or what events will have ocourred to throw a terminal spanner in the works. Since seperating from my husband (with whom I had a very happy marriage with for 8 of those 10 years) I have discovered that marriage is not at all sacred for many people. On the internet I encountered literally hundreds of married men looking for affairs, and women too, all behind their spouses backs.

I don’t know if I will ever be able to trust again. My husband was faithful to me as I was to him, it was drugs (on his part) that finally destroyed things. My experience with my MM has told me that a man can tell a thousand lies and slip back into the everyday normal life that he has always lived. His wife will probably never know about me, and they will continue to share many more happy anniversaries. I for one am glad to be oout of the charade of marriage. That is not to say that I don’t still desire love though. I wonder if I will ever be loved again like my husband loved me.

Justice?

I am still struggling with myself. Since seeing his facebook pictures and the recent photos of him being so loving with his wife I have felt so angry, and I feel it is such an injustice that he can resume his happy life unscathed. I looked at his picture again today and I felt such disgust towards him. I suppose that is a good thing really, I don’t feel any heartache or longing for him now, just utter contempt. I do want revenge, I can’t deny that. I want him to have some sort of consequence for his actions. I can see so clearly now all of what went on. The fog has truly lifted. What I really want to feel is indifference but this slimeball has treated my like an unpaid prostitute and disguarded me without a single thought. How can I just accept that and let him get away with it???

Why did I do that???

I can’t believe how bloody STUPID I am. The temptation was too much and I sneaked a peak at his facebook wall. We aren’t friends on there but his security is really low. His wife had put some pictures up of a recent wedding they had been to…and there it was, a picture of the two of them, kissing in eachothers arms holding champagne. The happy couple. All dressed in their best. It really did look genuine, and yet no one there has any idea that only 2 weeks ago we had a night out and spent all night having sex in a hotel room. How can he do it???? I am so angry right now. He is such a deceiver, and they looked so in love on that photo. He even made a comment on a photo of them together “she’s so lovely”………yeah, so lovely he has no problem messing about on internet dating, so lovely he is fine fucking other women. This is the wife he “wished he wasn’t married to since he met me” “the wife he was so trapped by” “the wife he was leaving when his mortgage deal was over” LYING CHEATING BASTARD.

I’m Back

Well I am back from a wonderful holiday. It was so nice to escape and have a relaxing break with my girls. Firstly I am feeling strong. For the first time I travelled alone with my children to another country, managed to drive on the other side of the road and everything!! I felt really independent and like wow…I don’t need a man for anything. As far as the MM isa concerned…..well, I was determined not to have any heartache on this holiday. It has been 2 years since we went away and the last time we were a family of 4. I have been through a horrible divorce and a really bad couple of years. The first day I realised that he didn’t even enter my head till 11am…I was well chuffed!! Ha, I thought. As the week went on I only had fleeting thoughts and then pushed him out of my mind, which was easy really as I was having such a wonderful time. Now that I am back and he still hasn’t contacted me I am starting to feel anger. How dare he so blatantly use and then discard me without a single thought. HOW DARE HE. I will carry on with the story tommorrow when I am not so tired. Have been up since 5am for the flight.

Up Up and Awayyyyyyyyy

Well I am all ready for my holidays now, and have been feeling strong today. I am hoping that thoughts of him stay out of my mind while I soak up the sun, a huge contrast to the constantly grey rainy weather here in the UK. I will be back in a week to continue my story, and hopefully even stronger again.

Adios Amigos xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The right thing to do

Now that it is over I am struggling with what the right thing to do is. On the one hand I really want his wife to know what he has been doing. This is not for any vindictive reason though.  Seeing her picture on Facebook had a huge impact on me, it made her real to me. If it were my husband doing this would I want to know that he was on an internet dating site with several profiles, stating that his wife didn’t want sex anymore, or that he was single and looking for someone. He even had some “rude” pictures of himself on there. I am sure I would want to know that. Not only that though, but that he has spoken to many women (he told me this- all before he “found” me of course) been sexual in a cyber way with them, probably right under her nose, and finally been with another woman (me) on dates, nights out, hotels and to my house. It would destroy me. I don’t want to do that to her, but how many other women is he sleeping with? I bet I’m not the only one. Is it my responsibility to tell her? As her husbands mistresss….no. As a fellow human being…..maybe.

I can’t deny that there is a part of me that wants him punished, that wants him to hurt, that wants his life destroyed, after all that is what he deserves. How can he expect to oh so casually screw someone else and then go home and walk the dogs with her. It makes me sick. But that would never be the reason I told her. It would be because in some strange way I feel compassion for her. After all we have both been played with like toys from the same man.

On the other hand I think about me. What would it do for me? Would it make me feel better knowing that her eyes were opened? Would she thank me for ruining her life? No doubt she would blame me, the evil other woman, and eventually fall back into his arms, yet he is the one who betrayed her not me. That is something I don’t understand about cheated on spouses. Why do they hate the other person, blame them and then make so many excuses for their spouses. It is the spouse that has betrayed them in the worst way imaginable. No doubt they tell the wife/husband it was all the other woman/man who chased them and “made” them have an affair.Yet the other woman/man doesn t even know the spouse, and therefore hasn’t betrayed them.  That makes me mad.

Anyway, I am rambling now. Back to business. If I did tell then it means I would risk contact with him again, it could be worse for me in the end. I don’t know. I suppose I would appreciate some input from anyone who has an opinion on the matter.

My discovery

A few days later I went on the dating site to see if there had been any traffic. I wasn’t interested in anyone else now, but it was just a habit to sign in and see what was happening. After looking at my messages I checked in to the “viewed me” section where it shows who has looked at your profile. About five people down the list someone caught my eye, I looked at the profile and the name was the same as my AP. So was the age. I looked back at the picture and to my surprise/confusion it was him!! I began to read the write up.  It began the same as the other one but went on to say “I am married and my wife doesn’t want sex anymore, I am looking for someone to live out my fantasies with” I was numb. I clicked on the profile but it said XXXX has chosen to block you. I was shaking. Immediately my mind went into overdrive, and I composed a new profile which allowed me to view his. The write up was exactly the same as the original but with the married bombshell. I text him straight away.

“I’ve just seen your other profile”

“What are you talking about”

“The one that says you are married”

“I am at work, what are you on about”

“You know what I am on about”

There was a short pause.

“Well at least you know now”

Oh My God. It really was really true. I was so shocked I think I sat there in silence for about ten minutes. I have to admit I did cry.A few hours later I received…

“I’m so sorry”

Well what can I say?
I didn’t reply to this there was no point, but I needed to let him know of my feelings so I typed out an email.

Firstly, I am so shocked that you could take advantage of me like that. You could just have easily had a quick shag with someone off that site who wanted the same thing, but not only was I honest in my profile (No married men) I was honest about what I wanted the 1st and second time we met. Then, before you came to my house for the first time I checked your intentions again, telling you that I did not just want sex. Regardless of that you saw fit to come into my home and try it on the first opportunity you got.
You have constantly lied about everything, continually reassuring me that we wanted the same thing, all the time knowing that you were just bullshitting me. If I was just on that site for sex, or a married woman wanting an affair, then maybe I could understand it.There are plenty of those to choose from, why choose me to play your games with ?
The only conclusion that I can come to is that you get off on deceiving decent honest women.
I doubt a word you ever said was real and now feel dirty and used. I do still however have my self respect which is more than I can say for you. You obviously have no consience whatsoever to have used and deceived me in such a callous way, and I am glad to say that I can stand up and know that I would never treat anyone in that way.
It was obviously your sick and cowardly way of telling me by viewing my profile from your new one….
 
I just had to get that off my chest.

I felt some closure from this and began to feel myself again, like I had gained control. That was until two days later when I received his reply….

You have this all wrong. 

I am genuinely sorry for what I have done.  I would like the opportunity to talk to you but I realise that you probably don’t want to.  Especially based upon all that you have written here.

Initially, when we were talking via mail, yes it was a bit of fun, but then when we met I could see instantly that we had a connection.  It was driving me mad going home that afternoon as I had found someone that:

1.    Is great fun
2.    Is interesting and had something to say
3.    Has complete control of her life
4.    Is very sexy
5.    Is compatible on all levels

We have so much in common that it was impossible for me to open up and not see you again, I really wanted a relationship with you.  I was extremely attracted to you when I wasn”t really sure what to expect as we met fairly quickly after initial contact.  That was extremely selfish of me and unforgiveable I know.

I have not lied about everything at all – far from it.  Admittedly yes, the ones I told couldn’t have  been much bigger but by then it was a tangled web that I had spun.  I was really looking forward to taking you out properly and having a genuine good laugh.  I ws not just saying it, as we did definately have a connection, that you cannot deny.  Although I’m married, when I met you I genuinely wished that I wasn’t.

I’ve been so pissed off at myself  for lying to you and also gutted that you know exactly what you want and that I don’t fit that as we do have a high degree of compatibility.  If I had met you last year then maybe we could’ve kept seeing each other.  It certainly would not have been just a sexual thing as we had already established more than that!

Would you at all consider going out for a night?  I understand totally if not.  I promise not to try anything on at all but would really like to see you again. 

I’m so sorry .  I have been totally out of order.

Well wasn’t that noble of him. And very clever. I wish I could have left it and ignored his manipulative ways but sadly for me….I couldn’t.